I Love My Mom

Mom went to the hospital with a nasty cough and came out with congestive heart failure. She has all the doctors scratching their collective heads as to a cause. So rather than write about that, which just makes me cry, I'm going to tell you a story.

When I was about 12 I wanted to be a model. Seventeen magazine was having a contest to find models and I was sure I could win. I've never been tall and at 4 foot nothing, I'm sure modeling was not in my future. But my Mom didn't tell me that. She took the pictures I needed and encouraged me to enter the contest. She always encouraged us to go after our dreams. It wasn't her place to tell us if our dreams were achievable or not, it was the world's place. Even if we didn't achieve our dreams, at least we tried. And we had no one to blame but ourselves when those dreams didn't come true.

Another dream I had was to work in graphic design. After spending 4 years getting an economics degree, I got a respectable job in DC working in defense contracting. I think my Mom was the only one who said, "Good for you" when I quit that job to chase after my graphics dream. Everybody else thought I was crazy especially since I quit without having another job lined up. She knew I would make it work because she raised us to be responsible for ourselves and to be true to who we are - whoever that turned out to be.

I didn't win that contest to become a model, but I did manage to work in the design industry (and I still do). Dreams come and go, but Moms are forever.

My New Car: I Want to Throw Up

Today I bought a new car. The Honda Insight. Spending money makes me want to throw up. It didn't help that I was trading in my dream car, my PT Cruiser. It had everything that I loved in a car, it sat a little higher than average, it had awesome storage, leather heated seats, flat fold down front seat, removable back seats, manual transmission. If I thought it would last forever, I would have kept it forever.

This car sits a little lower, no tinted windows, no heated seats, no fold down front seat, tiny 15 inch wheels, automatic transmission. Ugh, why get the thing? Well it does get 40 mpg (on a bad day). And I can control everything from my steering wheel. There's voice activation, bluetooth, navigation. I made sure I was in the car for all my phone calls today. I think that's a little wasteful, driving around the neighborhood talking on the phone, but hopefully the novelty of that will wear off.

If the car wasn't new, I would spend half my time driving and talking on the phone and the other half, driving and eating! Heck since I'm talking hands-free and I have a free hand, I could drive, talk and eat all at the same time. Ah the joy of the automatic car!

Oh, and I've spent 8 years operating the windows from the center console, what's with the crazy window controls on the door?

Low Humidity

I love summer days with low humidity. These kind of days make me incredibly happy to be alive.

And another reason to get rid of humidity is to get rid of the saying, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity." You can't live in DC and not hear that every time you mention how hot is it. No, I don't care how humid free 114 is, it's still hot. However, I did gain a new appreciation for that comment when I went to Miami in July. I really couldn't grasp how 85 degrees could be so amazingly unpleasant. Apparently, it's not the heat, it's the humidity; which, by the way, you wear like a hot wooly sweater.

But today nobody will utter those words. It's a perfect day. 72 degrees, sunny and humid free.

Tu Recuerdo

Ah, Ricky Martin. I could listen to him in English or Spanish. Of course, I only understand like three words when I listen in Spanish, but lately Tu Recuerdo speaks to me and having read the translation, I now know why.

If you feel like dancing, listen to Déjate Llevar. It will move you.

I was a closet Ricky Martin fan, but it's time to come out of the closet — the world be damned.

Why am I so Special?

Or why am I not normal? Today I went to the dentist. I don't mind the dentist, usually. I needed a crown on one of my molars, the tooth had a fracture. OK, I do what I have to do. I tell the dentist that sometimes the local anesthetic doesn't work on me. I vaguely remember it not working when I went in for my root canal over 10 years ago. I think it's a vague memory because I have blocked it all out, and with good reason.

Well, it all came back today in full force. After 5 shots, I was still not numb. Each time that drill hit my tooth I felt an electric pulse run through my entire body. Man, that's unpleasant. I couldn't stop the tears even though I felt bad for the dentist. It was not his intent to cause pain. We had to finish since half my tooth was drilled and there was no going back now. With one more shot, the tooth was numb and the dentist was able to finish the job. But he was surprised by how hard it was for me to get numb. How unusual, he said. Why is it that I am unusual and not in a good way?

For example, I once had the worse case of strep that my doctor had ever seen. She called in the nurses so they could see it and learn from it. Nothing like being a sick person on display.

I'm apparently a medical anomaly. My dentist is going to do some research on why the anesthetic didn't take today. I read a little bit on the net and learned that 1 in 100 people are wired differently on the lower jaw, traditional numbing techniques don't work. While the anesthetic numbs the lips and the tongue, it does not numb the tooth. There's apparently two techniques that most dentists don't learn that you use on these special people.

Why am I medically special? While it seems to cause me undue suffering, it does seem to serve as a learning tool for others. Yay?

Impaled by a Cactus

Which is pretty funny considering I live in the mid-atlantic region, where cactus is not a native plant.

I move my house plants outdoors every summer. I have a 6 foot Madagascar Palm that weighs over 100 pounds. I hate moving that thing. It's a challenge every time avoiding all the stickers. This time I was dragging it too fast and it tipped over into my head. Those stickers broke off in my scalp. It's the biggest splinter I've ever had considering those things are about the width of toothpicks and half as long. I was able to work one of them out, but I think there's a little piece still in my head. I can't really see it because it's over my ear, but I can feel a little bump that feels bruised. I wonder if it will ever work it's way out of my scalp or if I'll forever have a piece of that damn plant in my head. I read that ingesting it is poisonous. It doesn't say anything about having a piece of it stuck in your head.

I thought I should tell people what happened in case I die a mysterious death. You can have Dr. House check for Madagascar Palm poisoning. Seems like a pathetic way to die — impaled by a house plant. But it would make good TV.

Good Things are Coming

Want to know how I know that? My neighbor moved out! 

For a year I lived with barking, barking, barking dogs. I swear those two dogs had the worst case of separation anxiety ever. I knew my neighbor's schedule by the time his dogs would bark. He was home a lot when I was so it wasn't so bad, but then he met somebody (or that's what I assume), because he was gone on the weekends all day and all night. He must have come home to walk the dogs at some point, but I don't know when that was because they weren't quiet for long.

Honestly, these dogs barked and howled for 15 minutes every hour. EVERY HOUR until the owner returned. I was getting use to it. I was able to sleep through it. But now that they are gone, I realize it wasn't a solid sleep because I always heard them in the back of my snoozing mind. Now I hear nothing. NOTHING. Sleep now is amazing, like it should be.

Goodbye barking dogs. I believe your leaving is a harbinger of better things to come.

Key West!!

So I have a dream. Spend a month in Key West. Doing nothing much, watching the world go by. I tell my boss who says no way. I work in a small firm, I can't imagine leaving for a month. Now he's helping me look for houses, figuring out ways that I can work from there if I need to. It seems like it might be a dream coming true. It's exciting and a little unreal. It may take a year to come true, you just can't pack up and go for away for month. There's a lot of logistics to consider not to mention hurricane season. I spent one day in Key West before, right as Hurricane Andrew came to town. I'm not going through that again.

So, sooner than later I may be a beach bum. I can't wait.

To the One I Never Got to Know

I thought I knew you once, but it was just an illusion that you created for me. You created this perfect person that I couldn't help but to fall for; and then, as quickly as you created him, you destroyed him. You left me with an acquaintance that I barely know. We can't have a conversation that lasts longer than 10 minutes that doesn't involve weather or some other useless small talk. We feel a need to talk but have nothing to say to one another. It is awkward and uncomfortable. I've had better conversations with people on the bus and yet I can't stop thinking about you.

If I had one wish, I would make time pass faster. I would meet you later in life after you've had a chance to live all those dreams you talked about way back when. We would meet long after I had gotten over the pain of never getting to know the real you. We would be able to have an actual conversation. We would talk about what's in our hearts and in our souls. We would connect, they way I thought we connected in the beginning, but this time it would be for real. It wouldn't be a mere flirtation or an attempt to get attention. It would be a bond formed not by fate but by the desire to make our lives have meaning. We would be old enough to know that life's meaning can be found in true love.

But for now you are just somebody I talk to about the weather. Lately it seems to always be raining. How's the weather where you are?

I Should Smile More

When you're own mother thinks a picture of you doesn't look like you, there's something wrong. Everybody looks at this picture and thinks something is a little off about it. I guess the lesson for me is to smile more so that people will recognize me when I do.

Happiness

Why, I wonder, is happiness so fleeting? How do you hold on to it? Embrace it? Make it a part of who you are, rather than something that passes through your life.

Today, while waiting in line at the food store, I read a magazine headline, "Happiness is a choice, says Michael J. Fox." I guess that could be true. Of course, you have to really believe that for it to be true. You can't, say, be a complete pessimist like myself, and wake up one day and decide to be happy. Or maybe you can. I think you need to have had a life changing event happen to you or find out you have a life changing disease. Maybe somebody out there can make that decision. 

But what if your brain is wired that way? I know that the brain is a powerful instrument, and, believe me, I have used it's power to convince myself of many crazy things. But what if you are not in control of your brain, but your brain is in control of you? What if it makes the decision for you to be happy without consulting you at all? What then? Do you argue with yourself? I know, cognitive therapists believe that you do argue with yourself. Or I believe that they call it changing your way of thinking by reprogramming  your own negative thoughts into positive ones. (It's sounds less crazy then saying you should argue with yourself.) But even if you decide to replace your negative thoughts with positive ones, how do you know the positive thoughts are the right ones? Whose to say everybody is meant to be happy? What if the world was full of pollyanna people, would you want to live there?

I don't have any answers today, just a lot of unanswered questions.

Joke's on Me

Today is the peak bloom day for the cherry blossoms. I had a shoot scheduled. I thought it would be best to get downtown early so I scheduled hair and makeup for 8 am, which means I was at the studio at 7:30 am. I'm usually not even up by 7:30. But there I was at the studio on a rainy Wednesday waiting for people to show up. Some did, some didn't. The shoot never happened.

Each year I dream of doing a model shoot in the cherry blossoms. They are so beautiful but so short lived. It's hard to plan something with a moving bloom time and with all the spring rain. I've never been able to pull it off. I'm trying again on Sunday but the funny thing is the cherry trees I want to use aren't in bloom yet, they bloom two weeks later. So I mis-scheduled this shoot as well. Some things aren't meant to be. 

It makes me wonder why I try so hard to achieve things that the universe doesn't want me to do. Of course, it would be easier if the universe would just tell me to give up instead of throwing obstacles in my way. It's hard to tell what is suppose to be a challenge to overcome and what is a road block to completely avoid.

Crappy Day

So today starting with an email that was complaining about the work I did. Then my friend calls to tell me he might not make it to help paint my house on Sunday. Then I get a nasty headache because I always do when it rains. Then a shoot I'm planning takes a turn for the worse. Then I get a ticket on my car.

I know, it could be worse. I could have broken my arm, my house could have fallen into a big sink hole, or my car could have exploded on the drive home, but the check engine light is on and I need to get a minor repair.

But still, it's like everything waited for today to go wrong. I just want to go to sleep and forget this day ever happened.

Idiot

Do you know that feeling when you discover you've been doing something wrong for three days? At dinner tonight I'm discussing how I'm not having any success snaking my kitchen drain. Wiser people tell me to call the plumber. I say forget it all they do is bring in an electric snake. My dinner companion says, isn't your drill electric? Drill, what the heck are you talking about? You know the drill you put on your snake.

Crap, I thought it was odd that my snake was missing the crank handle. I even looked for it under the sink, no handle. That's not the where the handle goes, idiot, that's where the drill goes.

Wow, I guess it's been a long time since I used that snake. And now all the bruises and cuts on my hands seem silly. 

I have managed to get past the turn that was causing me grief and I've found more mushrooms and carrots. Damn the mushroom and carrot eater! Anybody who knows me knows those things didn't come from my house. I haven't broken the clog yet, but I'm hopeful thanks to the genius idea of using a drill.

But the big question in my three days of failing to snake the kitchen drain is why hasn't the mushroom and carrot eating neighbor called the plumber? It's obvious that they clogged the drain.

EDIT: The mushroom and carrot eater is off the hook. The handy drill actually worked and the drain is snaked. Join me in the happy dance, why don't you!

Friday Night

This is what a fun Friday night looks like to me. When you own a 1940s condo, clogged drains are common. This time it snuck up on me as I was trying to use the garbage disposal. That caused all the water and waste to come out at the washing machine. The washing machine is tightly fit into the corner of my kitchen. In order to move it, you have to take the dryer off first. The dryer is not so heavy, just a little bulky. After I was able to move all that, the gross water that was all over the floor was a joy to clean. 

I decided to change the water connectors since the machine was in the middle of my kitchen. I had to go to Home Depot for those. 

So I got to move my washer and dryer, go to Home Depot, install new connectors and clean up smelly water from all over my floor. If that doesn't scream fantastic Friday night fun, I don't know what does.

And you know what I might get to do for a fun Saturday? Snake my drains. I'm saving that for tomorrow, because I don't think I could handle all that excitement in one day.

I live the life. 

And might I add that this is one of those times when I don't appreciate being single. A little help would go a long way in a situation like this.

Less Than One Minute

So after my computer debacle, my new computer has finally arrived. Actually, I'm buying my old work computer and taking it home. But now I have to sit and wait for the files to copy over. And Apple has this annoying time bar that means nothing. It's been on "less than one minute" for over an hour. It's like a cruel joke. Well, it is to me because I have the patience of a gnat.

Although I must say my patience has been tested many many times lately and I've maintained my cool and I think I have passed many of the tests:
- I've been over a month without a computer at home and I have managed just fine.
- People are telling me the 5DII has humidity issues and it's all water off my back.
- I can talk to a boy I have a big crush on without freaking out or wanting to kill him.
- My computer is taking over 2 hours to copy files and I'm surfing the net.
- I had someone read my cards and they told me that my life is going to suck until at least June and I haven't jumped off a bridge. I'm waiting until June to make that call.

See, I'm doing well. Even though Apple is really giving me a good test today. All I want to do is take my computer home and turn it on! But I'm stuck here at work writing this blog waiting for that one eternity of a minute to pass.

It could be worse, my hair could be on fire.

I'm a Girl

I know I complain about being a girl. I find in infuriating at times. However, for all of you out there who forget it sometimes - I AM A GIRL.

Don't brag about how you would "hit that" when you are hanging out with me. I don't want to hear about somebody's "rack" or any other female body part that you find attractive on a passing girl. Don't call me fat or point out some other body flaw and expect me to laugh it off. Don't ask me to laugh at stupid dirty jokes - I know the penis is funny but it's not funny as the punch line of every joke. And finally, if I have a super big crush on you and you know it, don't make me look at and comment on pictures of you and your girlfriend having a great time.

See, what's going to happen is that I am going to forget that I am a girl and let you have it. Then I'm going to have to calm down and remind you once again, that I really am a girl.

This is How I am Going to Die

So one cold night I am leaving work by myself. It's below freezing and I'm half jogging to my car. A lady runs up to me and asks me if I know where LaPorta's restaurant is. Well, I do and she's a good 6 or 7 blocks away. She's just walked 6 blocks in the wrong direction to run into me at this intersection. She's a little hassled and it's important to note she is carrying a neatly folded down, brown paper bag.

I figure she is late to something and I can pass that restaurant on my way home, no big deal. So I offer her a ride. She's grateful. She says that she is performing there and she's already late. Well, it will only take us 5 minutes tops to get there.

As I'm driving she slowly reaches down for that brown paper bag, and the first thing that went through my head is "this is how I am going to die?" For a moment, I envisioned her reaching for a gun. I'm not sure how a lady would carry a gun, but a brown paper bag is a good a carrier as anything else I suppose. We were only 1 block away from the restaurant it seemed silly to kill me now. In fact, she was just grabbing the bag and sitting up. The bag may or may not have contained a gun, but she didn't shoot me with it.

And after I let her out at the restaurant, I thought to myself, that probably is the way I am going to die — while doing a favor for a stranger.

I'm Such a Girl

And I don't mean that in a good way. Sometimes being a girl drives me nuts — the illogical thinking, the butterflies over a boy, the PMS. For somebody who likes to be in control of everything, these girl traits really piss me off. I'm sure they serve some purpose, I just don't know what it is.

Maybe I would feel better if I could take some testosterone and beat the crap out of somebody. Seems to work for men. 

Left and Right Tampons

Okay, I'm a little scattered when I'm watching TV. I half pay attention. It can really annoy some people. You need to know that to understand why this tampon commercial confused me so much.

There I am watching the spinning tampon, thinking something other than, "wow, I need tampons right now." And up pops an "L" and an 'R" on the screen. The half of my brain that is watching the TV is immediately confused. Left and right? When did that become necessary with tampons? Left of what? Do I have the right parts? Did something change in women's anatomy in the last few years when I wasn't paying attention? I mean nobody told me my parts were any different than anybody else's. 

Honestly, this is all running through my head in those 20 seconds or so. It takes me about another minute to figure out it was for Light and Regular. It was a multi-pack of tampons. Phew, at least I don't have to learn a new procedure for using those left and right tampons.

Wedding Dresses

For an older single woman who's probably not going to get married, I own a lot of wedding dresses. I buy them for photo shoots, not because I'm nuts. Although that's subjective, of course. Talea is modeling one of the dresses in the photo.

I figure I can start using them to scare away my bad dates. All I have to do is show them my closet full of wedding dresses on, say, the second date and I think I can guarantee that I'll never hear from them again. And if I keep adding more cats to my house, I think I'll be single forever. I mean what guy can't resist a woman with plenty of wedding dresses and cats? However with my dating luck, that would probably just encourage the wacko to ask me to marry him and move in with his 50 cats.

Don't Buy Stuff from Friends

Remember that broken computer that I could heat up with a hairdryer to get to work? Well, I gave it back to the friend who sold it to me because he wanted it. GAVE it back. And now we are fighting about it. If anybody can get my goat, it's him. The repair person told him that it was a "crock of shit" that it could be started with a hairdryer, so my friend feels the need to immediately call upon leaving the repair shop and tell me in no uncertain terms that the hairdryer thing was a crock of shit. I'm sorry, what? The method I've actually proven to work is nothing but a crock of shit? I get that you may think it's stupid and shouldn't work, but considering that's the only way my computer would start for the last week, I would think you wouldn't call my method a total crock of shit — like I just made it all up. And I would especially think that if I'm your friend, you'd find a more sensitive way to tell me that you think my ideas are a total crock of shit. (I really can't stop saying the phrase "crock of shit.")

Nothing irritates me more than people telling me that things I know to be true aren't true. I have had my share of people try that crap on me. I don't know if it's because I'm short or a woman or just look like the biggest idiot in town, but people try this crap on me more times that I care to count. And they are unprepared for the wrath that follows. For a small woman, I am able to unleash a big wrath. And I'm able to hang onto it for days and days and days. It's either a curse or a gift, who can say, but it keeps people from trying this kind of crap on me twice.

I'm not talking to my friend right now. And I don't plan to for a while. I'm certain that he's going to try and defend this point of view rather than apologizing for hurting my feelings and I don't need that. I have no need to prove to him or some random repair dude that the computer would start with a hairdryer. And I have no need to be belittled or told I'm stupid and wrong. It really boggles my brain how people choose to treat their friends and how little sensitivity there is in the world. It makes me think I'm wasting my time considering other people's feelings before I say what I have to say. Just wasting my time.

Oh, and the lesson I learned from this: don't buy stuff from friends. It decreases the chances of messes like this from happening. I can say with certainty that I'm not buying anything else from that friend. This whole fiasco makes me feel like I'm the one left holding the crock of shit.

Tools to Start Computer: Hairdryer

This is funny. My G5 that I bought used from a friend is dying. For the last two days it wouldn't boot up. It was given me three blinks on the power switch and not booting up. I searched the internet and found out three blinks is RAM. So I took out all the RAM, rearranged it, tried every configuration possible and it still wouldn't boot. I cried a little, but not too much. I knew the hard drives were both fine. But I had no idea what the problem could be.

The next day at work (bless work with it's free computer and internet!!!) I read on a forum that using a hairdryer to heat the area around the RAM will allow your computer to start. So tonight I tried the hairdryer trick and it worked. Really. One minute blowing the area around the RAM with the hairdryer and the computer starts right up. Who figures this stuff out? I would have never guessed that heating up my motherboard with a hairdryer would make my MAC run.

So now I'm copying all my files on to external drives and praying the machine lasts for a while. I also read that this only works a couple times for some people so I want to make sure I get everything I need off this machine tonight just in case.

I'm trying not to blame my friend for selling me this machine which also has had a video card die on me. It's a bad machine, not because of my friend, but because of Apple. There's a reason the first generation G5s didn't last long on Apple's lineup. They suck. And now I own one that I have to use a hairdryer to run. Great. I imagine soon I will own a new Apple machine and I can retire the hairdryer. And I won't make my friend feel bad every time the machine does something that pisses me off.

I'm off to backup a few more files. 

I Give Up

Honestly, I just can't do it any more. I know there's a big karmic lesson for me to learn in the next couple months. I just know it, but I can't wait for it. I have the patience of a gnat. Actually, it might be even smaller than that. So I give up. Look universe, just tell me what the damn lesson is and I'll learn it. (Unless it's patience, then you can keep your lesson because it's not for me.)

And to all those people out there who have something to say to me, just say it. I can take it, I'm a big girl. I know somebody is hiding something from me. I know it. It's driving me nuts. I don't know what it is, but I'm sure I can handle whatever it is.

Sure, that's not the way the universe and people work. For some reason they don't conform to my timetable and demands. Man, that pisses me off. You don't think that's the lesson, do you?