Self Portrait

I took some self portraits with my new camera. I don't spend a lot of time in front of the mirror. I imagine that I look a lot younger than I actually do. But looking at yourself on a 30" monitor in a 60MB file is daunting! Wow, have I aged. Luckily I can edit that out so you only see what I think I look like! In my mind I'm still in my twenties — young and carefree and haven't a wrinkle anywhere.

I still think I'm short and pale, so I do have some grasp of reality!

Don't Take it Personally

I didn't realize that I was tearing apart my whole way of being to try on something new. I thought I was just in a bit of a funk. I mean I have been changing for the last year, but all the changes seemed so minor: some lasik eye surgery, losing 15 pounds, kicking important people out of my life who had nothing to give me, speaking my mind a little bit more (although there are some who say I do it too much already). Heck, I just assumed it was some sort of mid-life crisis. I haven't bought the sports car yet, but I'm considering it. I guess what I am going through is more important than all those things. 

It's a lot harder to change then just saying you are going to change. You have to carry through even when you don't know where you are going. There's no end point of this journey that I am on right now. I just know that I have to take this journey and I have to do it now. I know who I am now, but I have no idea who I will be. I'm not even sure who I want to be. Apparently, I'm suppose to just let go and let it happen. That's definitely not who I am, so we'll see if that works at all. There is the possibility of this free-flowing life making me crazy. But I have to be open to the idea of that being OK. See, I have control issues and I need to learn that I can't control everything.

The advice that I received was, "Don't take it personally." Hmm... your whole life is changing around you, not always for the better, and I'm not suppose to take any of it personally. I'm still pondering that. How can you live your life and not take what happens to you personally? That's not a hypothetical question. Really, if you know the answer to that, tell me. I'm sure there's some eastern philosophy about being water that applies here, but I have a hard time internalizing that.

Well, I've chosen a road to walk down, let's see where it leads, and if a shiny, new sports car will get me there faster!

Photoshopping Cat

I think when my cat is reincarnated she's going to be a Photoshop wizard. Every night when I am working on my photos she sits on my desk and watches the screen. Now somedays she swats at the cursor on the screen and tries to catch it (those are her playful days), but on her serious days she lays down and stares up at the screen. I swear she is memorizing all the menus and tricks that I have learned. 

I hope she's better than I am when she comes back.

I Like Onions but Onions Don't Like Me

My grandmother use to say that every time we went out to eat Chinese food. Every time. I would look at her and wonder what the heck she was talking about. If you like onions, eat onions. Well, at 12 nothing really disagrees with you, so it's hard to understand stomach problems. Now that I'm older, I like onions, but onions don't like me. 

I imagine there's a world of things I could have learned from my grandmother if only I could understand her better.

Today I'm Annoyed

I don't know why. But today is rubbing me the wrong way. Maybe it's all the stupid Christmas movies on the television or the pictures I have piling up that I need to process. Maybe it's the fact that I had a fight with a roll of seamless paper and the paper actually won. Maybe it's because my feet are always cold or the fact that I'm allergic to my own cats. And speaking of those cats, they spend all day sleeping when they could be cleaning the house - man that's annoying.

I guess there is just no magic in my life right now. No inspiration. Nothing to jump up and down about. What I need is that one special friend that can bring me out of my funk by making me laugh at myself. But you know what is really annoying? I don't have that friend in my life right now. 

Pathological Liars

I've known a few. There used to be nothing more frustrating to me than a pathological liar. They will say anything to win an argument, to impress you, or to just hear themselves talk. Now, they fascinate me. I guess it is because I'm a horrible liar. When I was little I used to make up these crazy tall tales when my Mom would question me. Finally she had a little talk with me. "I know your lying when you make up a long-winded story about what happened." I had a tell. And she was kind enough to point it out to me. The lesson I learned, if you are going to lie, make it simple or people will know. But pathological liars make it bigger and better each time. They don't even care if you don't believe them, they just keep on lying. They keep lying until they wear you down enough to say that you believe them.

One of my dearest friends is a pathological liar. For a while I thought I was going crazy. He would tell me things that I knew were not true, and I would second guess myself all the time. That is until I figured out the game. Then I stopped playing and things changed for the better. He grew comfortable with me so he lied less. And I learned not to bare my soul to him so I wouldn't get mad when he used it in some twisted lie. It's all about compromise. Every relationship requires compromise. Some more than others. Most people would say being friends with a pathological liar is not worth it, but I think it can be. It's never dull, that's for sure.

I Don't Need to Listen to This

I'm big into social responsibility. If somebody talks to me, I feel compelled to talk back. Somebody asks for change, I need to respond. Somebody asks for directions, social law dictates that I give them directions. If the lady at the bus stop asks me what I ate for dinner, I tell her what I ate for dinner. 

And then I met the meanest neighbor ever. He hated that my cats sat on his porch. Never mind that he fed them, they shouldn't be there. He hated the way I parked my car, left a note on my windshield that said, "Nice parking job asshole." He didn't sign it, but I know it was him. He came to my door and yelled about my cats. I stood there and listened and let him go on. I felt compelled to listen. He eventually left when he ran out of things to yell. Then he tried it again one Sunday morning at 9 am. Now I am never up at 9 am on a Sunday morning, much less dressed and going out. But there I was going to my car when he runs over and starts his tirade. And something just clicked in my head. I didn't have to listen to this. Just because he wants to yell DOES NOT mean I have to listen. I don't owe this angry, angry man anything at all. So I cocked my head and looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Excuse me, I don't need to listen to this." And I walked around him. His demeanor immediately changed. He apologized, introduced himself and claimed he wasn't that upset, but my cats did spend a lot of time on his porch; so much time, that he felt it necessary to feed them. I said, "OK" and just kept walking.

I learned that I don't need to listen to everything that everybody says, even if they are standing right in front of me. There was no listening to that crap and there was no arguing with him. He didn't earn the right to talk to me that way and he didn't deserve my attention. 

I now ask myself these questions more often, "Do I owe this person anything? Have they earned the right? Do I need to stand here and take it? Is there anything I can say to change their mind?" I think more people have seen me cock my head and give them my quizzical "I don't give a shit" look before excusing myself out of their life. It's one of the best lessons I ever learned.