NYC and M&Ms!

My family took me to NYC as a birthday surprise. We took a day trip. Over 4 hours each way on a bus for about 8 hours in NYC. We went to see Mamma Mia on Broadway. It was a great show and we had really good seats. I haven't even seen the movie so it was a great surprise.

But I was super duper excited to go to the M&Ms store. Three floors of just M&M stuff. An endless variety of useless M&M items. It's like being in Disneyland where you feel the need to buy those stupid mouse ears because everyone else has them. You just want to buy stuff! I think we did very well, only one t-shirt and a bag of M&Ms between us. But we spent a lot of time looking around and taking pictures.

Six Days Later

Today is my friend's birthday. I've known him for eight years now. My birthday is six days after his and he never, I mean NEVER, remembers it. And he's always been fascinated by the fact that we are both Scorpios. It's a big deal to him. He's always talking about Scorpios and their behaviors. Really he just uses all that Scorpio stuff to justify his own bad behavior because Scorpio men are the worst and he knows it. He also thinks it explains why we get along so well because we both think alike. I think it explains why we fight all the time because we're both stubborn and need to be right no matter what the cost. We've had some huge fights. We've also survived eight years as friends. Maybe we're both right.

This year he called me on October 14th to wish me a happy birthday. Cracked me up. He said, "Well at least I'm early!" True, three weeks early. Who am I to complain? He called me a week later to wish me happy birthday again. I think he's going to call me once a week and hope he's lucky enough to call on the right day. Each call he asks me the date to try to remember it. I tell him, but I still think he's going to forget. You'd think in eight years he would remember that my birthday is a few days after his. Perhaps the exact date would slip his mind but the proximity to his own birthday should trigger some kind of memory. It just doesn't.

I have to give him some credit, at least he's trying this year. In eight years he's never once wished me a happy birthday and now I'm getting a happy birthday once every week. I guess he is making up for all those years he forgot. I wonder if I'll be getting eight years worth of gifts as well?

UPDATE: He didn't call on my birthday. Just like I thought. Amazing. I guess change is harder than it seems! There goes my dream of all those un-given gifts.

Nice = Gullible

In what world is this true? Did I miss a memo? Why do people assume that because you are nice, you are also stupid? I equate gullible with stupid. So I'm just going to use those interchangeably here. Do we think that people haven't learned life's hard lessons because they are still being nice? Is there some sort of mental deficiency equated with niceness because surely if you were fully capable of rational thought, you would be mean? Is it some sort of given that I'm just not aware of? I'm pretty jaded and I'm still nice. I still want to give to people and the universe. I believe that in order to make the world a better place we have to give more than we take. But that doesn't make me gullible or stupid.

I took a personality test and it came back with words to describe me, kind, genuine, thoughtful, and gullible. Huh? What question did I answer that gave you the impression that I'm gullible? I don't remember the question that read, "Some guy tells you his grandmother just got hit by a train while watching TV in her living room and that's why he didn't call, do you believe him?" or "Your best friend is wearing your favorite shirt and tells you she didn't take it, do you believe her?" Honestly, come on. That test had no gullibility questions, just niceness questions. Because people are nice does NOT mean they are gullible. I will not believe every stupid thing that comes out of your mouth. I will probably be nice enough to let you save face, but don't mistake that for gullible. I do not believe you and it does change my opinion of you. I know it will surprise you when I'm not as nice as I used to be and I don't give you what you ask for anymore. I just don't understand why it surprises you. You are the one lying and trying to take advantage of me, why did you assume it would work? Because I'm a nice person? Seems to me that I'm not the stupid one in this equation. 

Dreams

I've been thinking a lot about dreams lately. Not the kind you have a night (although those have been odd these past few weeks), but the aspiration kind of dreams. A friend of mine is off living his dreams and it's invigorating and tiring all at the same time. He talks of his big plans and everything he is going to do in the future. His whole life is before him. It's invigorating because he radiates excitement and you want to go along for the ride. It's tiring because I'm so over the big dreams and the crazy ride of trying to achieve them. I did all that already.

I mean, I lived my dream. Yes, lived, past tense. My biggest dream was to work in a design firm. I have an economics degree and no fine arts background. How in the world was I going to be a graphic artist? And why did I want to be one? I don't know. I just did. I guess my need to be creative was stronger than my need to be logical. And I worked many, many low-paying jobs to get experience. I used what experience I did have and worked myself into places that would never hire an economics major as a production person. And now I work in a two-person design firm. It's my dream job. I actually thought the job I had before this one was my dream job until it blew up in my face! But for 5 years it was my dream job and now this job is. I can't imagine working anywhere else.

But have I gotten too complacent? I mean should I have a new dream or can I be totally happy living the old dream? Thanks to my over-stimulating friend, I feel like I should have a new dream. I thought about just living vicariously through him. Heck, he dreams enough for an army of people. But that's not enough or right even. I should have my own dream. I've been independent my whole life, no point changing that part of me now and riding on the dream coattails of another.

So one day my horoscope (don't get on me about that, I read them, I don't live by them) said "Write down your dreams, they are about to come true." OK, I thought, not a bad exercise. So I wrote down the craziest of impossible dreams and I put them under my pillow. I don't expect a single one of them to come true because these were my wildest dreams — dreams I don't even admit that I have to myself. So if you think you are going to read about them here, you are wrong. You'd have to have access to under my pillow to know these dreams.

But I will tell you about some of my more pragmatic dreams. I'm thinking about taking off work for a month and traveling somewhere. Maybe living by a beach. Malibu looks pretty cool to me. I've never been there. But what would I do with the cats? See, dreams at my age come with restrictions and limitations. But I guess we really only limit ourselves. I'll have to keep that in my head and see if I want to make it a reality. I also dream of taking a photograph of somebody famous, but then I think since I don't value fame in and of itself, that is a little bit shallow of me. Really I just want to take inspirational photographs of whoever steps in front of my camera. I want to make art with my photographs. That is a good dream. Perhaps I should try to get in some local galleries or shows. I'll have to fine-tune that dream a bit. To be honest, I want to see where my photography will take me, not where I will take it. So maybe in time a dream will reveal itself to me.

On one of my photography sites, I try to write out a little dream every day. But now, I'll have to dream bigger and see what my future holds for me.

You Can’t Believe the Heart You Save

It's a line in a Matchbox Twenty song. I'm a huge fan, many of their lyrics resonate with me. But that line comes into my head often. I sometimes wonder if I could go through my life like Jimmy Stewart did in It's a Wonderful Life, would there be any hearts that I saved? I know I strongly impacted one life and that's amazing to me. But I do wonder if the seemingly unimportant contact I've had with many people throughout my life meant more than I know.

I know that people have much more of an impact on me than I let on. For example, there have been times I just wanted to give photography up and somebody out of nowhere will leave me a tag that says "You inspire me." And I go on. For if I can truly inspire just one person, it is more than most people can do. I always thank the person, but I'm sure they don't realize that they just refueled my empty heart with a few simple words. How do you express that adequately? Can you ever?

I thank all the people who have saved my heart. Since I'm so stoic you probably don't know who you are, but you are very important to me! I just hope that I can pay it forward, even when I don't know that I am.

M&Ms: The Food of Life

I love peanut M&Ms. I eat them everyday. I think a day without M&Ms is not worth living. Honestly. Right now I'm trying to eat healthy and I save calories for M&Ms. About 10 a day. 5 after lunch and 5 after dinner. 

When I travel, I take them with me. Not a snack size bag, but the large bag. I don't want to be caught anywhere without M&Ms. I have a bag at work and a bag at home. If I'm going on a long car ride, I'll put some in a Ziploc bag and take them along.

It's funny, friends think I like chocolate; so they buy me fine chocolates. That's not it. It's M&Ms. My mom is the only one who gets it. She buys me peanut M&Ms for every holiday — Christmas, birthday, Valentine's Day, Easter. Whatever gift giving occasion there is, she gives me M&Ms and there is no better gift.

If you invite me over to your house for dinner and have M&Ms for dessert, I will think you are perfect. Just perfect. Sometimes, I take my own in my purse. I only pull them out if absolutely necessary.

I'm not crazy or anything; I just really like M&Ms.

All Things Random Have an Order

I'm not a people person. Never have been. I don't seek out crowds. I need one good friend in my life to be truly happy. I've never had more than 5 at a time. I like to devote my attention to one good person at a time. It's just my nature. I usually pick the cream of the crop - the people that I really get along with, can laugh with, can be me around.

And then there are the one-offs. These are the people who are so not my type, who I generally avoid like the plague. They come waltzing into my life just like they belong and I'm usually staring at them asking them to get the hell out. But they don't. It's like they sit down in the middle of the living room of my heart and refuse to leave. I'm usually trying to drag them kicking and screaming out the front door. I fight and fight and fight and they just sit there driving me mad. Then, when I realize they aren't going away, I get them a drink and wait for them to tell me why they are here. Funny thing is, they don't know. I'm not their type either and they don't really like me. They look at me like I'm the stranger in my own heart. But for some reason they can't leave. They don't leave. They wait for me to tell them why they are here in my life. 

At the time, I have no idea. Crap, I'm some girl you just met, how the hell do I know why you are here and won't leave. I have since learned it's because something intense is going to happen to them. They are drawn to me like a life vest. It's like I'm their last ditch effort to save themselves, but it's a subconscious effort. They don't know that their world is about to change in ways they never imagined and they don't know that they need a life vest. Heck, I don't see it either because we're usually not that close. But somebody/something sees it and knows exactly the right time to throw us together.

We are unlikely companions, stuck together by some twist of fate. Looking back it seems like such a small twist, almost inconsequential, but really it's life changing. It was the touch of a hand or the little hug goodbye. It was when we touched ever so slightly that our destiny was set in stone.

How can I pass somebody everyday and feel nothing, but the minute they lay their hand on my shoulder, my life changes? My feelings about them change and my life takes a new course. In that one second, I am intertwined in their life until destiny releases us from its grip. 

I bring all of this up because I read something, "All things random have an order." All these one-offs seemed so random to me, but now I see there is a pattern. 

Will to Live

Today I almost had a car wreck. I had just turned left and this woman decides to pull out of her parking space right into my lane. Luckily, I had another lane to pull in to or I would have been toast. I'm not sure she was looking at all because she came at me full force, she didn't even stop as I was pulling into the other lane. 

It's a strange sensation - evoking your will to live. I didn't even know mine was active. I thought my will to live might be damaged in some way because halfway through any action movie, I give up. Literally, I tire of watching them and I wonder why the hero just doesn't fall off the 100th building instead of leaping to the other side. Because once he gets there, there's going to be a a mob of gun-toting enemies coming at him. He knows this and he still wants to live. He actually thinks probability is on his side. It's not. Dumb luck is, but really the numbers are not in his favor.

Here's my thinking: if 400 ninjas came at me, arms flying, legs kicking, I'd surrender. If I managed to survive the ninjas and then a 400 foot tidal wave was headed my way, I'd stand there and let it wash me away. And if after surviving the tidal wave, I was hanging on the edge of a ledge with a helicopter barreling down at me, I'd let go. At some point, you'd have to say, "Screw it. Today I am meant to die."

I'm thinking I might not know myself as well as I thought I did. I mean I did swerve out of this lady's way today without even thinking about it. Perhaps my will to live is still intact, but I shouldn't test it by becoming an action hero any time soon.