To the One I Never Got to Know

I thought I knew you once, but it was just an illusion that you created for me. You created this perfect person that I couldn't help but to fall for; and then, as quickly as you created him, you destroyed him. You left me with an acquaintance that I barely know. We can't have a conversation that lasts longer than 10 minutes that doesn't involve weather or some other useless small talk. We feel a need to talk but have nothing to say to one another. It is awkward and uncomfortable. I've had better conversations with people on the bus and yet I can't stop thinking about you.

If I had one wish, I would make time pass faster. I would meet you later in life after you've had a chance to live all those dreams you talked about way back when. We would meet long after I had gotten over the pain of never getting to know the real you. We would be able to have an actual conversation. We would talk about what's in our hearts and in our souls. We would connect, they way I thought we connected in the beginning, but this time it would be for real. It wouldn't be a mere flirtation or an attempt to get attention. It would be a bond formed not by fate but by the desire to make our lives have meaning. We would be old enough to know that life's meaning can be found in true love.

But for now you are just somebody I talk to about the weather. Lately it seems to always be raining. How's the weather where you are?

I Should Smile More

When you're own mother thinks a picture of you doesn't look like you, there's something wrong. Everybody looks at this picture and thinks something is a little off about it. I guess the lesson for me is to smile more so that people will recognize me when I do.

Happiness

Why, I wonder, is happiness so fleeting? How do you hold on to it? Embrace it? Make it a part of who you are, rather than something that passes through your life.

Today, while waiting in line at the food store, I read a magazine headline, "Happiness is a choice, says Michael J. Fox." I guess that could be true. Of course, you have to really believe that for it to be true. You can't, say, be a complete pessimist like myself, and wake up one day and decide to be happy. Or maybe you can. I think you need to have had a life changing event happen to you or find out you have a life changing disease. Maybe somebody out there can make that decision. 

But what if your brain is wired that way? I know that the brain is a powerful instrument, and, believe me, I have used it's power to convince myself of many crazy things. But what if you are not in control of your brain, but your brain is in control of you? What if it makes the decision for you to be happy without consulting you at all? What then? Do you argue with yourself? I know, cognitive therapists believe that you do argue with yourself. Or I believe that they call it changing your way of thinking by reprogramming  your own negative thoughts into positive ones. (It's sounds less crazy then saying you should argue with yourself.) But even if you decide to replace your negative thoughts with positive ones, how do you know the positive thoughts are the right ones? Whose to say everybody is meant to be happy? What if the world was full of pollyanna people, would you want to live there?

I don't have any answers today, just a lot of unanswered questions.